Never Like This

I’ve always wanted to be an author, but never like this. Not with this story. If I could have chosen my story, I would have chosen normal. I would have picked a comfortable life watching both of my daughters grow to be women, with families and lives of their own. When I was in college, I dreamed of publishing a cheerful children’s book. I never imagined I’d be putting pen to paper to share my own agonizing pain.

I don’t want to have the story I have, and it feels impossible that this could be my reality. But I feel a burning inside me to write it down, to share what I’m learning along the way. I can’t not share these things, and oh how I wish I had a different story to tell.

Most birthdays are dates to remember the best days past year, and look ahead to the goals and adventures in the next. This year, I sat on a bench in a graveyard next to where we laid Emmi’s body after she went to heaven.

I cried out, “Emmi, I don’t want to live another day without you, but God, use every day I have left for you! I don’t want to have this story, God. But use it for your glory.”

I would give anything to have Emmi back, for her to be napping in a bunk bed with her sister right now. For her laugh to light up our home, for her curiosity to inspire a new adventure or lesson. It’s still hard to believe that she’s never coming home. This can’t possibly be real.

But I’m here.

I’m here in the messy middle, grappling with her absence and searching for purpose in today. I’m longing for Heaven like I never have before.

I’m here for and with those who are broken and grieving.

There are a million ways that each of us are hurting, and there’s a God who’s listening and cares.

Let’s build a community that draws near to those in pain, and doesn’t cringe away from suffering. In a season of hardship or on the other side of hurt, let’s be a community that reflects Christ’s compassion for the broken.

Join me on my new instagram page and weekly blog as I share how I’m grieving, what I’m learning, and how my relationship with God has changed in Emmi’s absence.